I've not posted this month as I have been processing and working with my Highest Self, and now think I was lacking the perspective to be able to clearly report on the issue at hand. But I'm going to give it a shot now.
Near the new moon, I received a formal complaint from one of my students at the city college where I have just begun working. It was a real blow to my self esteem even though I was aware that the complaint itself had more to do with the person's own reasons for complaining than my actual teaching method. Initially, I felt the source of the complaint was 'outside' me, but instead of getting tangled up in a victim mentality, I opted to see this as an opportunity to heal that which had triggered such strong feelings of inadequacy when I got wind of the complaint. Little did I know just how much it really was about me!
To be fair, you should know that I'd read the Mayan forecast for November (http://www.thepowerpath.com/), whose theme was healing, and so I was already prepared on some level to be the benefactor of such a gift this month.
The beginning was the hardest, and up to three days after the complaint, I kept blaming myself for decisions I'd made at the beginning of the course, thinking everything could have been avoided if I'd done x instead of y. I was disappointed and angry at myself for not being present or concentrated enough to have foreseen these difficulties. Furthermore, I was especially disappointed because I felt I was being punished for not having prepared enough for this class, although I had been given ample time to. I wondered if I had been lazy and arrogant, and if this was the immediate result.
Once I started to ask questions, even deeper levels of healing became available to me, and like Lena's forecast promised, I had a lot of support. On the conscious level: compliments, encouragement and open discussions, not only from my mate and co-workers, but from my new boss, too. Subconscious level: in the wee hours of the morning prior to the news, I woke up from a dream in which I was being stalked by a tiger in my mother's house. I was grateful for this, as it seemed to reinforce my understanding that this experience was not a reflection of my laziness or inadequacy as a teacher, nor was it just me being caught in the middle of another person's drama; there was a lot of compassion behind it, and I could use it or lose it.
To begin to peel back the onion layers: first of all, none of this would have happened had I not been worried about having my class canceled (and thus having less funds at the end of the month). I may have paid more attention to honoring the integrity of the class in terms of level if I hadn't been so distracted. As it was, it was my first time teaching such a difficult, ambiguous class, and I chose instead to 'deal with the levels later'. Writing this down and publishing it is part of healing this shame, and it's also a celebration of the validation of my spiritual principles. I can see in my outer world how my highest self is helping me to live in alignment with my values. My choosing to follow a 'low level' value (survival vs. trust that all will be provided) immediately manifested an issue to draw my attention inward. This reflects just how much my highest self is clearing the way in front of me, and just how important these higher values are as I continue along my ascension path.
On another level, and deeper than the initial jab of feeling rejected by a student, feelings of inadequacy and humiliation came to the surface to be healed. A host of childhood memories reappeared, including trauma from being bullied at school and abandonment issues related to my father. I was filled with shame and self loathing, feelings so painful I had buried them.
This part of the month is a blur and I have been unable to write about it until now. I know that I allowed myself to feel, trusting that the feelings would transition if I let them come to the surface to breathe. I know that I was a bit nicer to myself than usual, allowing myself to indulge in comfort food, sleep longer, and even partake in a little retail therapy. I continued to go to the gym, which I needed to help me channel all the emotional upheaval I knew was going on at a subtle level. And I refused to beat myself up for not working so hard this month. I do remember, however, one week where I was angry with my dad, but, in all honesty, there was no allowing myself to feel angry. The feelings were too strong and visceral, and I just had to experience them. This also triggered some guilt because mentally, I know that it's not very spiritual to be angry with people who you have karmic relationships with. I realize the role my dad has played in my life, and I'm grateful; I cannot be sure that I would be who I am today without him. I didn't want to be angry with him, but I had let go of that too.
But check this out: Two days ago I had perhaps the best conversation with my father we've ever had. It seemed to me like the first time he didn't criticize me or offer advice or try to change me. It was amazing! I got off the phone wondering if I'd finally been able to clear/ transform the feedback loop of inadequacy and rejection we'd been trapped in for years. Naturally, I'm skeptical as to whether this was more than only a one-off, but meanwhile I'll do my best to keep up the frequency on my end and "act as if" it's cleared for good. Only time will tell.
What happened this month is not what I'd consider "healing" in my traditional way. Maybe because I didn't feel an enormous release after an enormous fight. This was was gentler, subtler, more gradual. It feels like all I did this month was a lot of pushing, if you can call it that. I'd have a thought, then push myself to match the thought with my emotions and behaviour, and while it's a process I engage in often, I've never noticed such immediate results. How nice! I still have more work to do on my abandonment issues (I guess what's next will be mustering the courage to write a short story), but do feel there's been some sort of shift I can't yet put into words. What a great early birthday gift from my very loving Karmic family and Highest Self!
Thanks very much for reading,
Namaste,
Croaker
