I wanted to write a quick post about the current energy of joy and the coming Solstice.
Some of you may be feeling ascension symptoms related to increased energy flow as the approaching solstice is a time for alignmment with our sun and with all other light beings who share it. There is a lot going on! Personally, I have been experiencing feelings of insecurity, angst and uncertainty, which seem to be rather unwarranted and disproportionate to their external triggers. I think this has a lot do to with my getting used to new levels of light and the vibe of change in general. One night I was trying to fall asleep, and had this feeling of dread and anxiety that I just didn't want. Who wants to feel this way knowing that those feelings flow outward and live beyond me? I called upon the angels, and El Morya to kindly transmute my fear. It worked like a charm, and instantly! We do indeed have very strong levels of support right now. Do not hesitate to connect to those sources and ask for help. It's so important for all of us to remain in vibrations of joy and peace at this time, as we help create and sustain an energetic blueprint of what is to continue on this planet now and in our future.
What I also recommend now is sitting in meditation a little more, and any time you get those feelings of angst or insecurity. Meditation seems to be much easier now, just focus on your heart and feelings. Forget your mind, just be in your body completely presently to realign with the incredible magnitude of joy and light that is around us now, and especially for the December 21 alignment.
There is so much joy to experience now. Last night in meditation I was hearing "Celebration" in my head, brimming with joy, gratefulness, and feeling communion with our light brothers and sisters. Just sit in stillness and feel the love- we have been waiting for these times. We all have invitations for this party, so be present! If you want to increase your energy flow, you can request help to "allow" more, and you can turn down the tap if you feel overwhelmed. Let's get exercising for 21 December, when we'll have the opportunity to feel the same energies that our planet is experiencing to bring about change on our planet. It's your activation, too!
For more information on the subject of ascension and the 21 December portal, visit www.stevebeckow.com.
Thanks for reading,
Love Croaker.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Healing in November
I've not posted this month as I have been processing and working with my Highest Self, and now think I was lacking the perspective to be able to clearly report on the issue at hand. But I'm going to give it a shot now.
Near the new moon, I received a formal complaint from one of my students at the city college where I have just begun working. It was a real blow to my self esteem even though I was aware that the complaint itself had more to do with the person's own reasons for complaining than my actual teaching method. Initially, I felt the source of the complaint was 'outside' me, but instead of getting tangled up in a victim mentality, I opted to see this as an opportunity to heal that which had triggered such strong feelings of inadequacy when I got wind of the complaint. Little did I know just how much it really was about me!
To be fair, you should know that I'd read the Mayan forecast for November (http://www.thepowerpath.com/), whose theme was healing, and so I was already prepared on some level to be the benefactor of such a gift this month.
The beginning was the hardest, and up to three days after the complaint, I kept blaming myself for decisions I'd made at the beginning of the course, thinking everything could have been avoided if I'd done x instead of y. I was disappointed and angry at myself for not being present or concentrated enough to have foreseen these difficulties. Furthermore, I was especially disappointed because I felt I was being punished for not having prepared enough for this class, although I had been given ample time to. I wondered if I had been lazy and arrogant, and if this was the immediate result.
Once I started to ask questions, even deeper levels of healing became available to me, and like Lena's forecast promised, I had a lot of support. On the conscious level: compliments, encouragement and open discussions, not only from my mate and co-workers, but from my new boss, too. Subconscious level: in the wee hours of the morning prior to the news, I woke up from a dream in which I was being stalked by a tiger in my mother's house. I was grateful for this, as it seemed to reinforce my understanding that this experience was not a reflection of my laziness or inadequacy as a teacher, nor was it just me being caught in the middle of another person's drama; there was a lot of compassion behind it, and I could use it or lose it.
To begin to peel back the onion layers: first of all, none of this would have happened had I not been worried about having my class canceled (and thus having less funds at the end of the month). I may have paid more attention to honoring the integrity of the class in terms of level if I hadn't been so distracted. As it was, it was my first time teaching such a difficult, ambiguous class, and I chose instead to 'deal with the levels later'. Writing this down and publishing it is part of healing this shame, and it's also a celebration of the validation of my spiritual principles. I can see in my outer world how my highest self is helping me to live in alignment with my values. My choosing to follow a 'low level' value (survival vs. trust that all will be provided) immediately manifested an issue to draw my attention inward. This reflects just how much my highest self is clearing the way in front of me, and just how important these higher values are as I continue along my ascension path.
On another level, and deeper than the initial jab of feeling rejected by a student, feelings of inadequacy and humiliation came to the surface to be healed. A host of childhood memories reappeared, including trauma from being bullied at school and abandonment issues related to my father. I was filled with shame and self loathing, feelings so painful I had buried them.
This part of the month is a blur and I have been unable to write about it until now. I know that I allowed myself to feel, trusting that the feelings would transition if I let them come to the surface to breathe. I know that I was a bit nicer to myself than usual, allowing myself to indulge in comfort food, sleep longer, and even partake in a little retail therapy. I continued to go to the gym, which I needed to help me channel all the emotional upheaval I knew was going on at a subtle level. And I refused to beat myself up for not working so hard this month. I do remember, however, one week where I was angry with my dad, but, in all honesty, there was no allowing myself to feel angry. The feelings were too strong and visceral, and I just had to experience them. This also triggered some guilt because mentally, I know that it's not very spiritual to be angry with people who you have karmic relationships with. I realize the role my dad has played in my life, and I'm grateful; I cannot be sure that I would be who I am today without him. I didn't want to be angry with him, but I had let go of that too.
But check this out: Two days ago I had perhaps the best conversation with my father we've ever had. It seemed to me like the first time he didn't criticize me or offer advice or try to change me. It was amazing! I got off the phone wondering if I'd finally been able to clear/ transform the feedback loop of inadequacy and rejection we'd been trapped in for years. Naturally, I'm skeptical as to whether this was more than only a one-off, but meanwhile I'll do my best to keep up the frequency on my end and "act as if" it's cleared for good. Only time will tell.
What happened this month is not what I'd consider "healing" in my traditional way. Maybe because I didn't feel an enormous release after an enormous fight. This was was gentler, subtler, more gradual. It feels like all I did this month was a lot of pushing, if you can call it that. I'd have a thought, then push myself to match the thought with my emotions and behaviour, and while it's a process I engage in often, I've never noticed such immediate results. How nice! I still have more work to do on my abandonment issues (I guess what's next will be mustering the courage to write a short story), but do feel there's been some sort of shift I can't yet put into words. What a great early birthday gift from my very loving Karmic family and Highest Self!
Thanks very much for reading,
Namaste,
Croaker
Near the new moon, I received a formal complaint from one of my students at the city college where I have just begun working. It was a real blow to my self esteem even though I was aware that the complaint itself had more to do with the person's own reasons for complaining than my actual teaching method. Initially, I felt the source of the complaint was 'outside' me, but instead of getting tangled up in a victim mentality, I opted to see this as an opportunity to heal that which had triggered such strong feelings of inadequacy when I got wind of the complaint. Little did I know just how much it really was about me!
To be fair, you should know that I'd read the Mayan forecast for November (http://www.thepowerpath.com/), whose theme was healing, and so I was already prepared on some level to be the benefactor of such a gift this month.
The beginning was the hardest, and up to three days after the complaint, I kept blaming myself for decisions I'd made at the beginning of the course, thinking everything could have been avoided if I'd done x instead of y. I was disappointed and angry at myself for not being present or concentrated enough to have foreseen these difficulties. Furthermore, I was especially disappointed because I felt I was being punished for not having prepared enough for this class, although I had been given ample time to. I wondered if I had been lazy and arrogant, and if this was the immediate result.
Once I started to ask questions, even deeper levels of healing became available to me, and like Lena's forecast promised, I had a lot of support. On the conscious level: compliments, encouragement and open discussions, not only from my mate and co-workers, but from my new boss, too. Subconscious level: in the wee hours of the morning prior to the news, I woke up from a dream in which I was being stalked by a tiger in my mother's house. I was grateful for this, as it seemed to reinforce my understanding that this experience was not a reflection of my laziness or inadequacy as a teacher, nor was it just me being caught in the middle of another person's drama; there was a lot of compassion behind it, and I could use it or lose it.
To begin to peel back the onion layers: first of all, none of this would have happened had I not been worried about having my class canceled (and thus having less funds at the end of the month). I may have paid more attention to honoring the integrity of the class in terms of level if I hadn't been so distracted. As it was, it was my first time teaching such a difficult, ambiguous class, and I chose instead to 'deal with the levels later'. Writing this down and publishing it is part of healing this shame, and it's also a celebration of the validation of my spiritual principles. I can see in my outer world how my highest self is helping me to live in alignment with my values. My choosing to follow a 'low level' value (survival vs. trust that all will be provided) immediately manifested an issue to draw my attention inward. This reflects just how much my highest self is clearing the way in front of me, and just how important these higher values are as I continue along my ascension path.
On another level, and deeper than the initial jab of feeling rejected by a student, feelings of inadequacy and humiliation came to the surface to be healed. A host of childhood memories reappeared, including trauma from being bullied at school and abandonment issues related to my father. I was filled with shame and self loathing, feelings so painful I had buried them.
This part of the month is a blur and I have been unable to write about it until now. I know that I allowed myself to feel, trusting that the feelings would transition if I let them come to the surface to breathe. I know that I was a bit nicer to myself than usual, allowing myself to indulge in comfort food, sleep longer, and even partake in a little retail therapy. I continued to go to the gym, which I needed to help me channel all the emotional upheaval I knew was going on at a subtle level. And I refused to beat myself up for not working so hard this month. I do remember, however, one week where I was angry with my dad, but, in all honesty, there was no allowing myself to feel angry. The feelings were too strong and visceral, and I just had to experience them. This also triggered some guilt because mentally, I know that it's not very spiritual to be angry with people who you have karmic relationships with. I realize the role my dad has played in my life, and I'm grateful; I cannot be sure that I would be who I am today without him. I didn't want to be angry with him, but I had let go of that too.
But check this out: Two days ago I had perhaps the best conversation with my father we've ever had. It seemed to me like the first time he didn't criticize me or offer advice or try to change me. It was amazing! I got off the phone wondering if I'd finally been able to clear/ transform the feedback loop of inadequacy and rejection we'd been trapped in for years. Naturally, I'm skeptical as to whether this was more than only a one-off, but meanwhile I'll do my best to keep up the frequency on my end and "act as if" it's cleared for good. Only time will tell.
What happened this month is not what I'd consider "healing" in my traditional way. Maybe because I didn't feel an enormous release after an enormous fight. This was was gentler, subtler, more gradual. It feels like all I did this month was a lot of pushing, if you can call it that. I'd have a thought, then push myself to match the thought with my emotions and behaviour, and while it's a process I engage in often, I've never noticed such immediate results. How nice! I still have more work to do on my abandonment issues (I guess what's next will be mustering the courage to write a short story), but do feel there's been some sort of shift I can't yet put into words. What a great early birthday gift from my very loving Karmic family and Highest Self!
Thanks very much for reading,
Namaste,
Croaker
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Initiation and Cruelty
I visited a friend this week who was concerned that he didn't understand "the game", as he put it. I was puzzled. I knew the game he was talking about was our play here on Earth, our experiences, the life line, the sequence of events. I was puzzled because he didn't get it. Here was a person I considered as coming from a position of power, not lack. He said, "It's cruel, this game. My friends of the same age are in positions of power and here I am working on my spiritual issues with no wealth or success. Why must I wait for my time to come? Who is pulling the strings?"
The fact that my friend felt so disempowered saddened me. As we deepened our discussion, however, I was better able to understand where his feelings of victimization came from. My friend had had very close institutional ties, to Church as well as to esoteric traditions, and he'd studied history as well. He struggled with the concept of a benevolent god and felt that his outer life proved the existence of a more vengeful, cruel god. I asked him why he was clinging to institutional structures and archetypes instead of trying to get in touch with his own story. His approach to spirituality was very mental- pulling connections from different stories and trying to thread together his own religion. He grew up with stories and structures; he feels safe within these walls.
He responded intellectually to my observation, agreeing that it made sense, and it was clear to me that this is part of his spiritual ascension process. He needed to get in touch with his own story, his own spirit, free from the constraints of religion or new age theories. But how? I suggested using the violet flame to help transmute feelings of inadequacy that might make him feel too vulnerable to let go of his guarded stories and structures. And I encouraged him to make a decision. To get out of the vibration of the hanged man, or the victim mentality, and choose to concentrate on his spiritual evolution instead of waiting for his wealth and power to "arrive".
I wanted to say to him, "You have a rich inner life, you have supportive parents and a loving wife. You work in an environment with other spiritually aware people. Do you really think you're not in a power position? Do you really define success by the car in your driveway and the zeros in your bank account? Are these really your values, or the values of the society you've grown up in?"
When asked to expand on why he was in a position of "waiting", he mentioned advice he'd received from "shamans" who'd told him that it was only a matter of age before he would see his wealth. I thought this was a dangerous way of looking at things. "Then you're always waiting", I said. You're not in the present fully. You're waiting for some future success. Isn't it time to enjoy the process? Are you so unhappy with yourself that you look to the future to rescue you?"
I had compassion for my friend because I can also remember a time when I was deeply involved with tarot cards and thought my destiny held in someone else's balance. I did not understand personal power, I didn't know that my decisions, that my thought patterns, my values, and how I lived them out dictated my reality. Back then I was in such a position of helplessness that it seemed completely impossible and even cruel to think i was creating a reality where I was depressed, in toxic relationships, in career confusion. So, what made me put the tarot cards away and trust my inner world?
It was time in my process, because one day I felt trapped. I felt limited by what the tarot cards were saying, that part of the story was missing, that I was being conned. If I am such a free spirit, why would I live my life according to the patterns of some esoteric symbols? Until then perhaps tarot was helpful in teaching me how to interpret important events in my life; they taught me to look deeper. But now I had those skills, I didn't need them anymore. Instead I turned inward. And I let go. My mantra before settling into meditation was to be in harmony with my highest will or potential. I trusted that my own inner intelligence would get me there. And in the meanwhile I practised compassion towards myself. I learned to love myself for who I was, and not for some person I was going to become. The process did not fail me because I followed my heart without doubt. I pulled books off shelves that spoke to me, I met with people whose vibrations called out to me. I became a very hardworking student and I learned how to transform unhelpful aspects of my personality. And yes, naturally I had initiations and unpleasant or "difficult" expeirences. I experienced a huge learing curve. So then, is the universe cruel?
We live in a dichotomic world, and it is my belief that both forces of creation and destruction exist for a reason in this Earthly dimension, or else both elements wouldn't exist. What is the purpose then of "negative" experiences, or lower vibrating energies? Lower vibrations are different from love and compassion on the spectrum of All that Is, but who is to say they are "bad"? If "bad" feelings somehow propel us to seek more joy, then indeed they're not useless. If we choose to learn from experiences that test our patience, our perserverence, our spirit, then we should not shun them, but be present with them. These initiations are opportunities to rise to the occasion to change ourselves and our world for the better, so how can they be cruel? In this view, "difficult" events are bounties from the universe, gifts from our Spirit selves to help us embody higher learning capacities. We can be warriors, choosing to extract power from our struggles, or we can remain children, afraid, shy and powerless in the face of discomfort and the unknown. While the ascension path may be bumpy, and at times you may feel alone, know you are partaking in a great story. The story of humanity, in which you are not alone. Chin up!
Love,
Croaker.
The fact that my friend felt so disempowered saddened me. As we deepened our discussion, however, I was better able to understand where his feelings of victimization came from. My friend had had very close institutional ties, to Church as well as to esoteric traditions, and he'd studied history as well. He struggled with the concept of a benevolent god and felt that his outer life proved the existence of a more vengeful, cruel god. I asked him why he was clinging to institutional structures and archetypes instead of trying to get in touch with his own story. His approach to spirituality was very mental- pulling connections from different stories and trying to thread together his own religion. He grew up with stories and structures; he feels safe within these walls.
He responded intellectually to my observation, agreeing that it made sense, and it was clear to me that this is part of his spiritual ascension process. He needed to get in touch with his own story, his own spirit, free from the constraints of religion or new age theories. But how? I suggested using the violet flame to help transmute feelings of inadequacy that might make him feel too vulnerable to let go of his guarded stories and structures. And I encouraged him to make a decision. To get out of the vibration of the hanged man, or the victim mentality, and choose to concentrate on his spiritual evolution instead of waiting for his wealth and power to "arrive".
I wanted to say to him, "You have a rich inner life, you have supportive parents and a loving wife. You work in an environment with other spiritually aware people. Do you really think you're not in a power position? Do you really define success by the car in your driveway and the zeros in your bank account? Are these really your values, or the values of the society you've grown up in?"
When asked to expand on why he was in a position of "waiting", he mentioned advice he'd received from "shamans" who'd told him that it was only a matter of age before he would see his wealth. I thought this was a dangerous way of looking at things. "Then you're always waiting", I said. You're not in the present fully. You're waiting for some future success. Isn't it time to enjoy the process? Are you so unhappy with yourself that you look to the future to rescue you?"
I had compassion for my friend because I can also remember a time when I was deeply involved with tarot cards and thought my destiny held in someone else's balance. I did not understand personal power, I didn't know that my decisions, that my thought patterns, my values, and how I lived them out dictated my reality. Back then I was in such a position of helplessness that it seemed completely impossible and even cruel to think i was creating a reality where I was depressed, in toxic relationships, in career confusion. So, what made me put the tarot cards away and trust my inner world?
It was time in my process, because one day I felt trapped. I felt limited by what the tarot cards were saying, that part of the story was missing, that I was being conned. If I am such a free spirit, why would I live my life according to the patterns of some esoteric symbols? Until then perhaps tarot was helpful in teaching me how to interpret important events in my life; they taught me to look deeper. But now I had those skills, I didn't need them anymore. Instead I turned inward. And I let go. My mantra before settling into meditation was to be in harmony with my highest will or potential. I trusted that my own inner intelligence would get me there. And in the meanwhile I practised compassion towards myself. I learned to love myself for who I was, and not for some person I was going to become. The process did not fail me because I followed my heart without doubt. I pulled books off shelves that spoke to me, I met with people whose vibrations called out to me. I became a very hardworking student and I learned how to transform unhelpful aspects of my personality. And yes, naturally I had initiations and unpleasant or "difficult" expeirences. I experienced a huge learing curve. So then, is the universe cruel?
We live in a dichotomic world, and it is my belief that both forces of creation and destruction exist for a reason in this Earthly dimension, or else both elements wouldn't exist. What is the purpose then of "negative" experiences, or lower vibrating energies? Lower vibrations are different from love and compassion on the spectrum of All that Is, but who is to say they are "bad"? If "bad" feelings somehow propel us to seek more joy, then indeed they're not useless. If we choose to learn from experiences that test our patience, our perserverence, our spirit, then we should not shun them, but be present with them. These initiations are opportunities to rise to the occasion to change ourselves and our world for the better, so how can they be cruel? In this view, "difficult" events are bounties from the universe, gifts from our Spirit selves to help us embody higher learning capacities. We can be warriors, choosing to extract power from our struggles, or we can remain children, afraid, shy and powerless in the face of discomfort and the unknown. While the ascension path may be bumpy, and at times you may feel alone, know you are partaking in a great story. The story of humanity, in which you are not alone. Chin up!
Love,
Croaker.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Zen in the Winter
Winter is coming. I'm especially sensitive to changes in weather, temperature, and fluctuations in sunlight. The foreknowledge of shorter days and cold, blustery walks has got me feeling prematurely introspective. Smells of candy apples from outside the subway station, the crackle of leaves as I take my daily short-cut through the park and the speed of which the sun sets makes me more aware of the present moment, and takes me away from it at the same time. My senses rush to all past winters as if I'm in a jumbled time machine. I can barely see the sidewalk in the dark. Sighing, I jingle my keys in my pocket and focus on my brogues-one foot in front of the other. Soon it will be too cold to contemplate the red front door to my apartment building.
Winter wasn't always a sad time for me. But the last two years in Berlin were unusually bleak. I was bored at work. I felt bored at home. I felt spiritually disconnected from my creativity and soul family. Now, I can't just expect this winter to be better without making any conscious changes. But what would those be? This week I read something that really struck a chord in Lena's October forecast at http://www.thepowerpath.com/. She says to begin each day with a celebratory ritual. The potential of the day inside your prayer, a connection with the sunrise. Today as a gift of time, of space for creation. What will I do with this day?
Can a ritual like this help me to be more mindful of the stillness and peace in each moment? Is this my remedy for the winter blues?
Already I foresee problems implementing the ritual. Namely, the fact that I'm empathetic and sensitive means that I tend to be buffeted around by my feelings. I can hardly begin to do the dishes unless I "feel like it". While I've recently discovered that these impulses, or 'monkey brain', can be directed using the frontal cortex ("executive brain"), I struggle with this as blood sugar levels, hormones, and astrological aspects come into play. Taking for granted that I will force myself to perform the ritual regardless of whether I "feel like it", what happens if I can't muster appropriate feelings of gratitude and expaniveness to celebrate and co-create the intentions for the day?
I wouldn't call it a ritual, but I've got a process I go through that I conveniently forget about from time to time. I think I forget about it because there is a part of my false personality that likes to wallow in sadness. Sadness has a vibration that I'm well familiar with. It's addictive. But I will share this process to move up out of the lower centres with you because, although your mind may reject it by calling it harsh, it works for me. It's not a very elegant process and it requires a bit of mental dialogue, but I like that it's simple, and you are free to modify it.
The idea is to begin deep into the stillness of myself, beyond the trappings of the false personality with its shame, anger and regret, to the very void that any of us can always access. Just shake everything off and focus. In this place, there is nothing before there is any love or gratitude or expansion.
Once I've found the perspective to "re-program" my thoughts, I'll have a little pep talk with myself. Sometimes I imagine they are the words of a spiritual teacher, "what in my life can I be grateful for?" I start tangibly, beginning with my body. Arms, legs, eyes and ears. Next, I move onto shelter, a job, the fact that I've got furniture and clothes in my flat! Then onto my relationships. I realize that we don't all have perfect relationships, and some of us are unemployed, but bringing your awareness down to things that you take for granted every day will soon get you out of a rut. I imagine children living in war-zones. I imagine mothers taking care of handicapped children. I tell myself, "Do not be spoiled or ungrateful, do not wallow in self-pity. You're not hard done by." Then it's usually only a matter of minutes before I can build momentum and find the peace in my heart that remembers how lucky I am indeed. Sometimes I can only find a shallow feeling of appreciation whereas at others I'm able to go much deeper into expansive gratefulness. That's not the point. The point is just to get you away from lack and despair, or in this case, the winter blues. (I told you it was primitive:)
So, to answer my question whether I'll be able to muster up the feelings I need to create a celebratory morning creation ritual, I believe I'll just heed my own advice and get off the pot: Okay, yeah, winter's coming- icy sidewalks, minus fifteen, razor sharp whipping snow. Things could be worse! I will try the morning ritual and let you know how it works out. What kinds of rituals do you engage in? Be free to leave a comment.
Cheers,
Croaker.
Winter wasn't always a sad time for me. But the last two years in Berlin were unusually bleak. I was bored at work. I felt bored at home. I felt spiritually disconnected from my creativity and soul family. Now, I can't just expect this winter to be better without making any conscious changes. But what would those be? This week I read something that really struck a chord in Lena's October forecast at http://www.thepowerpath.com/. She says to begin each day with a celebratory ritual. The potential of the day inside your prayer, a connection with the sunrise. Today as a gift of time, of space for creation. What will I do with this day?
Can a ritual like this help me to be more mindful of the stillness and peace in each moment? Is this my remedy for the winter blues?
Already I foresee problems implementing the ritual. Namely, the fact that I'm empathetic and sensitive means that I tend to be buffeted around by my feelings. I can hardly begin to do the dishes unless I "feel like it". While I've recently discovered that these impulses, or 'monkey brain', can be directed using the frontal cortex ("executive brain"), I struggle with this as blood sugar levels, hormones, and astrological aspects come into play. Taking for granted that I will force myself to perform the ritual regardless of whether I "feel like it", what happens if I can't muster appropriate feelings of gratitude and expaniveness to celebrate and co-create the intentions for the day?
I wouldn't call it a ritual, but I've got a process I go through that I conveniently forget about from time to time. I think I forget about it because there is a part of my false personality that likes to wallow in sadness. Sadness has a vibration that I'm well familiar with. It's addictive. But I will share this process to move up out of the lower centres with you because, although your mind may reject it by calling it harsh, it works for me. It's not a very elegant process and it requires a bit of mental dialogue, but I like that it's simple, and you are free to modify it.
The idea is to begin deep into the stillness of myself, beyond the trappings of the false personality with its shame, anger and regret, to the very void that any of us can always access. Just shake everything off and focus. In this place, there is nothing before there is any love or gratitude or expansion.
Once I've found the perspective to "re-program" my thoughts, I'll have a little pep talk with myself. Sometimes I imagine they are the words of a spiritual teacher, "what in my life can I be grateful for?" I start tangibly, beginning with my body. Arms, legs, eyes and ears. Next, I move onto shelter, a job, the fact that I've got furniture and clothes in my flat! Then onto my relationships. I realize that we don't all have perfect relationships, and some of us are unemployed, but bringing your awareness down to things that you take for granted every day will soon get you out of a rut. I imagine children living in war-zones. I imagine mothers taking care of handicapped children. I tell myself, "Do not be spoiled or ungrateful, do not wallow in self-pity. You're not hard done by." Then it's usually only a matter of minutes before I can build momentum and find the peace in my heart that remembers how lucky I am indeed. Sometimes I can only find a shallow feeling of appreciation whereas at others I'm able to go much deeper into expansive gratefulness. That's not the point. The point is just to get you away from lack and despair, or in this case, the winter blues. (I told you it was primitive:)
So, to answer my question whether I'll be able to muster up the feelings I need to create a celebratory morning creation ritual, I believe I'll just heed my own advice and get off the pot: Okay, yeah, winter's coming- icy sidewalks, minus fifteen, razor sharp whipping snow. Things could be worse! I will try the morning ritual and let you know how it works out. What kinds of rituals do you engage in? Be free to leave a comment.
Cheers,
Croaker.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Spirituality and Wealth
Physical incarnation introduces the aspect of duality. I came across this quote at www.divinecosmos.com tonight, and what a sweet reminder it was, because it produced this post. There are two ways to address the question of Why We Are Here. As consciousness, or pure Spirit, there is no why. There only is. In my view, the concept of life can only be defined by juxtaposing it with its opposite. In this vein, life is and always was. And once you start trying to decipher whether life sprang from the void, or life always was, you leave the realm of spirit anyhow. To answer the question of what each of us is doing here "on Earth" is to fly far out oneness and analyse, through the ego, what you came here to do.
This week I visited a branding company with the hopes of learning how to attract more business, bought new furniture for my flat as well as a new pair of jeans. In the meanwhile, I've had lots of dreams about people close to me dying, and one dream where I was selfish. I wasn't able to appreciate the meanings of these dreams on a conscious level. But below the surface I was drawn to Wilcock's site where I instantly stumbled across an interpetation of an almost identical dream he'd had a few months back. The message was embarassingly clear: Death of the ego and transformation of negative aspects in preparation for spiritual transformation.
I originally wanted to post this week on Being Honest with Myself, but I wasn't sure what that meant exactly. It was just a working title. I decided, through reading this interpretation and a channeled reading that followed on Wilcock's site, to be honest with myself and not just passively accept, but really look at the messages my dreams were compassionately sending.
If I'm honest with myself on the subject of duality, I've struggled with the idea of wealth. Not with the idea of money, but of wealth. I never used to worry about money; I've always believed that I had the inner resources to be able to get what I needed at the right time. I heard Mick Jagger in my head a few times this week, "You can't always get what you want....but if you try sometime, you find you get what you need." This paradigm has worked for me until now. Mainly because, until now I'd never made any considerable income! Suddenly I am faced with a new paradigm. How do I reconcile having and spending money with being spiritual?
To a spiritualist, the ego is the enemy. It's the software that was installed on our hardware when we arrived. It's the software that we've needed to live in this illusory world, to act on this physical stage. But once you're aware that you are more than your personality, perhaps sitting in a car behind a string of others on the autobahn outside of a sprawling metropolis, you try to find a way to straddle both planes. And you find it's not that easy to be in two worlds at once.
If I focus on making more money, am I egocentric? If I focus on making money for the purpose of having financial security, does this make me fearful, a doubter, unspiritual? Does the fact that I find spending money entertaining reduce me to a 'consumer'? After all, we live in a material world, and these are my 'working years'. I'm not afraid of dying, but I do object to starving or being homeless. I am not amassing millions from my business, but there is a standard of living I find quite agreeable and would like to uphold. Just simply not in exchange for my spiritual values. Naturally, I ask myself whether the energy I expend on attracting new business should be funneled into charity work, and if the energy I lack as a result of working is a detriment to my spiritual practise. In the end, despite the fearful griping of my ego, deep in my heart I know that abundance is a new path for me and that I am simply going through growing pains.
Perhaps my dreams are a friendly reminder not to get caught up in the illusion. Letting me know that I shouldn't avoid spiritual practise, whispering to me to stay friendly, sociable and charitable, and not alienate my friends because I've got dollar signs in my eyes.
If I look at the people I admire, with careers in the spiritual realm, they too have their practises. They charge for their services, because how else would they be able to provide them? We all have, what Karen Bishop calls "our Storefronts", that allow us the luxury of being able to continue our personal transformations and spiritual journeys. Luxury because if we were required to work excessively just to be able to put food in our kids' mouths, there'd be no energy left for exploration, for neighbourly compassion, for peaceful meditations. And sadly, this is what's going on in many parts of the world. Those of us who are lucky enough to find the time for spiritual practise are truly blessed. And so it's almost our duty to keep ourselves going financially so we can continue our spiritual paths with the humble intention of improving our communities and eventually, human collective.
As for spending money, well, there's no judgement, as far as the universe is concerned. I reject feelings of guilt for spending or attracting money; they're not spiritual feelings, but rather some insecurity my ego's latched onto because it's afraid of what transformation will occur once I am free of this struggle. Whether money is circulating or swelling into a nest egg, it is rightfully in my envrionment because it is simply a reflection of my rich, inner life. I love to spread the positivity that is generated through my feelings of wealth, success and fruition, because we all deserve abundance.
Thank you for reading,
Be well,
Croaker.
This week I visited a branding company with the hopes of learning how to attract more business, bought new furniture for my flat as well as a new pair of jeans. In the meanwhile, I've had lots of dreams about people close to me dying, and one dream where I was selfish. I wasn't able to appreciate the meanings of these dreams on a conscious level. But below the surface I was drawn to Wilcock's site where I instantly stumbled across an interpetation of an almost identical dream he'd had a few months back. The message was embarassingly clear: Death of the ego and transformation of negative aspects in preparation for spiritual transformation.
I originally wanted to post this week on Being Honest with Myself, but I wasn't sure what that meant exactly. It was just a working title. I decided, through reading this interpretation and a channeled reading that followed on Wilcock's site, to be honest with myself and not just passively accept, but really look at the messages my dreams were compassionately sending.
If I'm honest with myself on the subject of duality, I've struggled with the idea of wealth. Not with the idea of money, but of wealth. I never used to worry about money; I've always believed that I had the inner resources to be able to get what I needed at the right time. I heard Mick Jagger in my head a few times this week, "You can't always get what you want....but if you try sometime, you find you get what you need." This paradigm has worked for me until now. Mainly because, until now I'd never made any considerable income! Suddenly I am faced with a new paradigm. How do I reconcile having and spending money with being spiritual?
To a spiritualist, the ego is the enemy. It's the software that was installed on our hardware when we arrived. It's the software that we've needed to live in this illusory world, to act on this physical stage. But once you're aware that you are more than your personality, perhaps sitting in a car behind a string of others on the autobahn outside of a sprawling metropolis, you try to find a way to straddle both planes. And you find it's not that easy to be in two worlds at once.
If I focus on making more money, am I egocentric? If I focus on making money for the purpose of having financial security, does this make me fearful, a doubter, unspiritual? Does the fact that I find spending money entertaining reduce me to a 'consumer'? After all, we live in a material world, and these are my 'working years'. I'm not afraid of dying, but I do object to starving or being homeless. I am not amassing millions from my business, but there is a standard of living I find quite agreeable and would like to uphold. Just simply not in exchange for my spiritual values. Naturally, I ask myself whether the energy I expend on attracting new business should be funneled into charity work, and if the energy I lack as a result of working is a detriment to my spiritual practise. In the end, despite the fearful griping of my ego, deep in my heart I know that abundance is a new path for me and that I am simply going through growing pains.
Perhaps my dreams are a friendly reminder not to get caught up in the illusion. Letting me know that I shouldn't avoid spiritual practise, whispering to me to stay friendly, sociable and charitable, and not alienate my friends because I've got dollar signs in my eyes.
If I look at the people I admire, with careers in the spiritual realm, they too have their practises. They charge for their services, because how else would they be able to provide them? We all have, what Karen Bishop calls "our Storefronts", that allow us the luxury of being able to continue our personal transformations and spiritual journeys. Luxury because if we were required to work excessively just to be able to put food in our kids' mouths, there'd be no energy left for exploration, for neighbourly compassion, for peaceful meditations. And sadly, this is what's going on in many parts of the world. Those of us who are lucky enough to find the time for spiritual practise are truly blessed. And so it's almost our duty to keep ourselves going financially so we can continue our spiritual paths with the humble intention of improving our communities and eventually, human collective.
As for spending money, well, there's no judgement, as far as the universe is concerned. I reject feelings of guilt for spending or attracting money; they're not spiritual feelings, but rather some insecurity my ego's latched onto because it's afraid of what transformation will occur once I am free of this struggle. Whether money is circulating or swelling into a nest egg, it is rightfully in my envrionment because it is simply a reflection of my rich, inner life. I love to spread the positivity that is generated through my feelings of wealth, success and fruition, because we all deserve abundance.
Thank you for reading,
Be well,
Croaker.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Working on a Sunday
On the first day of any new class, I ask my students to describe themselves in three to five words. Often they misunderstand the task and begin by saying, "Hi, I'm Maria, I'm 26 years old and I'm an architect". Not only do I remind them that they sound like they're attending an AA meeting, I raise an eyebrow and quietly ask if their jobs define who they are.
I've spent my entire Sunday morning preparing for a class. It's the weekend! I should be cuddled up on the sofa with a movie and a cup of tea. I could be brunching with friends. Actually, I've woken up with tonsils the size of rocks, so I won't be going anywhere today, and to tell the truth, teachers often spend their free time preparing lessons. When else would it get done? But I normally assign a week day for my prep, which is better for my mood. I like to think that my weekends are for whatever I choose to do, and not for slaving to the almighty dollar. But this morning I again found myself pen to paper, cheerfully attempting to bridge a gap I have in a new class. So I have to ask, am I merely taking part in some creative brainstorming, or do I over-identify with my job?
I think to some extent, most of us identify with our jobs. If I didn't identify with being a teacher, then why would I be doing it? It's certainly not for the money. But how do I know if I work to live or live to work?
I've been an ESL teacher since university; it helped pay for books and rent and made me feel somewhat independent. In Montreal in 1998, there was lots of work for peppy twenty-somethings who could clarify English grammar, and I was hired without any qualifications. Since then, ESL has always been there for me, like an old friend who takes you in out of the rain when you've missed your bus. It was only after I hit my ten-year mark that I started to realize it had become my career. But I knew right from the beginning that I loved it-and that students liked what I brought to the classroom. I had found my niche, but admitting that to myself wouldn't come for another twelve years.
Am I always working? Well, no. Am I always on the lookout for new material? Yes. Do my days revolve around my job? Yes. Is my self worth based on my performance at my job? Not entirely. Do my moods fluctuate according to the ups and downs of my job? Yes. Do I hide myself in my work to avoid feelings of boredom or restlessness? No, I feel those things anyway. Do I feel like other activities not related to my job have less intrinsic value? Uh, yes.
I only have to look as far as my dad to realize that this kind of thinking could get me into trouble. My dad completely identifies with his job, to the extent that he refuses to retire and continues to perform tough physical labor for the thrill of being part of a team and the opportunity to showcase the technical skills he's honed his entire life. At work, my dad feels needed and valued, and quickly gets depressed when he's at rest. Surely, he's not the only one to shun retirement, but this tendency to over-identify with your job isn't universal.
The world's highest concentration of Centenarians live in Okinawa, Japan, and there is no word for retirement in Japanese. Dan Buettner, a writer for National Geographic, explains how ichigi (ee-kee-guy), which means 'reason to get up in the morning', is one of the factors that may contribute to elderly Okinawans' health and longevity. Personally, I don't think it's a far leap to assume that knowing what your ichigi is, and incorporating that into your daily life translates into more happiness, and even into higher immunology or resistance to illness. Other benefits of having your passion in life separate from your profession are plainer to see: an easier transition into retirement, or if you lose or job or become unable to work, a lower risk of depression and stress-related disorders, as your ichigi can function as an anchor.
Of course, there are some lucky people whose jobs are their passions in life. And while a gnostic might warn that over-identifying with anything outside of the self is dangerous, I maintain that it's how resistant you are to change which determines how you'll hold up when things go pear-shaped.
Evidently, I do identify with my job more than I realized, but is it such a bad thing? Being fully engaged in my job allows me to provide a better service, makes me feel better about my performance and ultimately leads to heart-centred exchanges when student-teacher relationships develop as a result of this service. Teaching connects me to my community.
As long as I'm not ignoring other psychological issues by hiding in it, work can be a healthy part of my coping mechanism. But it's not the only thing I turn to for answers. Spiritual practise like meditation and creative pursuits like cooking, along with excercise help me to stay centred in the now and keep me from over-thinking. What's important is that I'm consistently reflecting on my values and relationships, but also to remain plastic so I can re-calibrate when I notice I'm starting to slip into negativity.
But I'll stop giving my students a hard time about the ice-breaker.
Cheers,
Croaker
I've spent my entire Sunday morning preparing for a class. It's the weekend! I should be cuddled up on the sofa with a movie and a cup of tea. I could be brunching with friends. Actually, I've woken up with tonsils the size of rocks, so I won't be going anywhere today, and to tell the truth, teachers often spend their free time preparing lessons. When else would it get done? But I normally assign a week day for my prep, which is better for my mood. I like to think that my weekends are for whatever I choose to do, and not for slaving to the almighty dollar. But this morning I again found myself pen to paper, cheerfully attempting to bridge a gap I have in a new class. So I have to ask, am I merely taking part in some creative brainstorming, or do I over-identify with my job?
I think to some extent, most of us identify with our jobs. If I didn't identify with being a teacher, then why would I be doing it? It's certainly not for the money. But how do I know if I work to live or live to work?
I've been an ESL teacher since university; it helped pay for books and rent and made me feel somewhat independent. In Montreal in 1998, there was lots of work for peppy twenty-somethings who could clarify English grammar, and I was hired without any qualifications. Since then, ESL has always been there for me, like an old friend who takes you in out of the rain when you've missed your bus. It was only after I hit my ten-year mark that I started to realize it had become my career. But I knew right from the beginning that I loved it-and that students liked what I brought to the classroom. I had found my niche, but admitting that to myself wouldn't come for another twelve years.
Am I always working? Well, no. Am I always on the lookout for new material? Yes. Do my days revolve around my job? Yes. Is my self worth based on my performance at my job? Not entirely. Do my moods fluctuate according to the ups and downs of my job? Yes. Do I hide myself in my work to avoid feelings of boredom or restlessness? No, I feel those things anyway. Do I feel like other activities not related to my job have less intrinsic value? Uh, yes.
I only have to look as far as my dad to realize that this kind of thinking could get me into trouble. My dad completely identifies with his job, to the extent that he refuses to retire and continues to perform tough physical labor for the thrill of being part of a team and the opportunity to showcase the technical skills he's honed his entire life. At work, my dad feels needed and valued, and quickly gets depressed when he's at rest. Surely, he's not the only one to shun retirement, but this tendency to over-identify with your job isn't universal.
The world's highest concentration of Centenarians live in Okinawa, Japan, and there is no word for retirement in Japanese. Dan Buettner, a writer for National Geographic, explains how ichigi (ee-kee-guy), which means 'reason to get up in the morning', is one of the factors that may contribute to elderly Okinawans' health and longevity. Personally, I don't think it's a far leap to assume that knowing what your ichigi is, and incorporating that into your daily life translates into more happiness, and even into higher immunology or resistance to illness. Other benefits of having your passion in life separate from your profession are plainer to see: an easier transition into retirement, or if you lose or job or become unable to work, a lower risk of depression and stress-related disorders, as your ichigi can function as an anchor.
Of course, there are some lucky people whose jobs are their passions in life. And while a gnostic might warn that over-identifying with anything outside of the self is dangerous, I maintain that it's how resistant you are to change which determines how you'll hold up when things go pear-shaped.
Evidently, I do identify with my job more than I realized, but is it such a bad thing? Being fully engaged in my job allows me to provide a better service, makes me feel better about my performance and ultimately leads to heart-centred exchanges when student-teacher relationships develop as a result of this service. Teaching connects me to my community.
As long as I'm not ignoring other psychological issues by hiding in it, work can be a healthy part of my coping mechanism. But it's not the only thing I turn to for answers. Spiritual practise like meditation and creative pursuits like cooking, along with excercise help me to stay centred in the now and keep me from over-thinking. What's important is that I'm consistently reflecting on my values and relationships, but also to remain plastic so I can re-calibrate when I notice I'm starting to slip into negativity.
But I'll stop giving my students a hard time about the ice-breaker.
Cheers,
Croaker
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Beginnings
The Web-log as a means of living more consciously.
Today I got up early just to sit in bed and come up with ideas. I am an idea monster: ideas come to me in huge waves, and I spend oodles of time trying to keep up with them, evaluating whether they are worthy to pursue. I elaborate on the ones I think are going to be lucrative or make me happier in some way. This takes even more time, as I end up day-dreaming and spinning my fantasy web. It's an addictive feeling. You start thinking about a goal, and after you plan it all out in your mind, you feel like the creative process is done. Like an orgasm, the fun part is over and all that's left is work (for the other poor sap). Invariably, I end up skipping the actual production part of the process. But perhaps the flaw lies in my compulsion to so thoroughly evaluate the goal instead of just diving in.
Now, I think I'm trying to justify to you why I haven't gotten out of my pyjamas, despite it being nearly noon. Well, I've been thinking about writing a blog. Not just starting it, but actually writing it, like a diary, every day. Naturally, what stops me is the thought that floats through most wannabe writers' heads eighty percent of the time: who would read the drivel I post? After months of neurotic negotiations with my creative spirit, I've decided to get out of the way and give blogging a go. I tell myself this is a writing activity, and not an expose on my uneventful life. Yet, my ego would only agree to this kind of exploitation if my putting into words what I've done in a day would result in my days becoming more interesting. Or rather, if writing about my day to day will give me the courage and accountability to make the most out of my days.
This is a recurring theme for me: adding more dimension into my day to day life. (Alas the name Croaker, as I often remind myself that my time here in Earth is not indefinite). I find that unless I am out walking in a dense wood or telepathically speaking to some stranger's dog on the subway, I crave heart-centred exchanges that make my getting up in the morning worthwhile. I've become a heart energy addict! Creative pursuits help keep at bay the boredom that comes as a result of feeling too comfortable with oneself, too satisfied, too happy. It's easy just to sit in meditation and BE. It's a total high. But when you come out of meditation, then you're left with the banality of doing laundry or washing the car or getting dressed for work. Life then becomes a series of distractions. You delve into your work, where you can at least be creative, or you try your hand at cooking, or you volunteer at the soup kitchen, hoping to get a fix of heart-felt connection. Still, most of the time you are left with a feeling that you are 'acting'- that you are just filling time, when all you really want to be doing is exchanging wordless sentiments with the higher collective.
The Wimp in me really wants this blog to stay invisible, but that would defeat its entire purpose. To my ego: I'm going public, and it's time to play. My blog will address the questions and doubts I have about spirituality and living here and now, in an attempt to bring more creativity and joy. At the very least, it will get me writing!
Cheers,
Croaker.
Today I got up early just to sit in bed and come up with ideas. I am an idea monster: ideas come to me in huge waves, and I spend oodles of time trying to keep up with them, evaluating whether they are worthy to pursue. I elaborate on the ones I think are going to be lucrative or make me happier in some way. This takes even more time, as I end up day-dreaming and spinning my fantasy web. It's an addictive feeling. You start thinking about a goal, and after you plan it all out in your mind, you feel like the creative process is done. Like an orgasm, the fun part is over and all that's left is work (for the other poor sap). Invariably, I end up skipping the actual production part of the process. But perhaps the flaw lies in my compulsion to so thoroughly evaluate the goal instead of just diving in.
Now, I think I'm trying to justify to you why I haven't gotten out of my pyjamas, despite it being nearly noon. Well, I've been thinking about writing a blog. Not just starting it, but actually writing it, like a diary, every day. Naturally, what stops me is the thought that floats through most wannabe writers' heads eighty percent of the time: who would read the drivel I post? After months of neurotic negotiations with my creative spirit, I've decided to get out of the way and give blogging a go. I tell myself this is a writing activity, and not an expose on my uneventful life. Yet, my ego would only agree to this kind of exploitation if my putting into words what I've done in a day would result in my days becoming more interesting. Or rather, if writing about my day to day will give me the courage and accountability to make the most out of my days.
This is a recurring theme for me: adding more dimension into my day to day life. (Alas the name Croaker, as I often remind myself that my time here in Earth is not indefinite). I find that unless I am out walking in a dense wood or telepathically speaking to some stranger's dog on the subway, I crave heart-centred exchanges that make my getting up in the morning worthwhile. I've become a heart energy addict! Creative pursuits help keep at bay the boredom that comes as a result of feeling too comfortable with oneself, too satisfied, too happy. It's easy just to sit in meditation and BE. It's a total high. But when you come out of meditation, then you're left with the banality of doing laundry or washing the car or getting dressed for work. Life then becomes a series of distractions. You delve into your work, where you can at least be creative, or you try your hand at cooking, or you volunteer at the soup kitchen, hoping to get a fix of heart-felt connection. Still, most of the time you are left with a feeling that you are 'acting'- that you are just filling time, when all you really want to be doing is exchanging wordless sentiments with the higher collective.
The Wimp in me really wants this blog to stay invisible, but that would defeat its entire purpose. To my ego: I'm going public, and it's time to play. My blog will address the questions and doubts I have about spirituality and living here and now, in an attempt to bring more creativity and joy. At the very least, it will get me writing!
Cheers,
Croaker.
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