Initiation and Cruelty

I visited a friend this week who was concerned that he didn't understand "the game", as he put it. I was puzzled. I knew the game he was talking about was our play here on Earth, our experiences, the life line, the sequence of events. I was puzzled because he didn't get it. Here was a person I considered as coming from a position of power, not lack. He said, "It's cruel, this game. My friends of the same age are in positions of power and here I am working on my spiritual issues with no wealth or success. Why must I wait for my time to come? Who is pulling the strings?"

The fact that my friend felt so disempowered saddened me. As we deepened our discussion, however, I was better able to understand where his feelings of victimization came from. My friend had had very close institutional ties, to Church as well as to esoteric traditions, and he'd studied history as well. He struggled with the concept of a benevolent god and felt that his outer life proved the existence of a more vengeful, cruel god. I asked him why he was clinging to institutional structures and archetypes instead of trying to get in touch with his own story. His approach to spirituality was very mental- pulling connections from different stories and trying to thread together his own religion. He grew up with stories and structures; he feels safe within these walls.

He responded intellectually to my observation, agreeing that it made sense, and it was clear to me that this is part of his spiritual ascension process. He needed to get in touch with his own story, his own spirit, free from the constraints of religion or new age theories. But how? I suggested using the violet flame to help transmute feelings of inadequacy that might make him feel too vulnerable to let go of his guarded stories and structures. And I encouraged him to make a decision. To get out of the vibration of the hanged man, or the victim mentality, and choose to concentrate on his spiritual evolution instead of waiting for his wealth and power to "arrive".

I wanted to say to him, "You have a rich inner life, you have supportive parents and a loving wife. You work in an environment with other spiritually aware people. Do you really think you're not in a power position? Do you really define success by the car in your driveway and the zeros in your bank account? Are these really your values, or the values of the society you've grown up in?"

When asked to expand on why he was in a position of "waiting", he mentioned advice he'd received from "shamans" who'd told him that it was only a matter of age before he would see his wealth. I thought this was a dangerous way of looking at things. "Then you're always waiting", I said. You're not in the present fully. You're waiting for some future success. Isn't it time to enjoy the process? Are you so unhappy with yourself that you look to the future to rescue you?"

I had compassion for my friend because I can also remember a time when I was deeply involved with tarot cards and thought my destiny held in someone else's balance. I did not understand personal power, I didn't know that my decisions, that my thought patterns, my values, and how I lived them out dictated my reality. Back then I was in such a position of helplessness that it seemed completely impossible and even cruel to think i was creating a reality where I was depressed, in toxic relationships, in career confusion. So, what made me put the tarot cards away and trust my inner world?

It was time in my process, because one day I felt trapped. I felt limited by what the tarot cards were saying, that part of the story was missing, that I was being conned. If I am such a free spirit, why would I live my life according to the patterns of some esoteric symbols? Until then perhaps tarot was helpful in teaching me how to interpret important events in my life; they taught me to look deeper. But now I had those skills, I didn't need them anymore. Instead I turned inward. And I let go. My mantra before settling into meditation was to be in harmony with my highest will or potential. I trusted that my own inner intelligence would get me there. And in the meanwhile I practised compassion towards myself. I learned to love myself for who I was, and not for some person I was going to become. The process did not fail me because I followed my heart without doubt. I pulled books off shelves that spoke to me, I met with people whose vibrations called out to me. I became a very hardworking student and I learned how to transform unhelpful aspects of my personality. And yes, naturally I had initiations and unpleasant or "difficult" expeirences. I experienced a huge learing curve. So then, is the universe cruel?

We live in a dichotomic world, and it is my belief that both forces of creation and destruction exist for a reason in this Earthly dimension, or else both elements wouldn't exist. What is the purpose then of "negative" experiences, or lower vibrating energies? Lower vibrations are different from love and compassion on the spectrum of All that Is, but who is to say they are "bad"? If "bad" feelings somehow propel us to seek more joy, then indeed they're not useless. If we choose to learn from experiences that test our patience, our perserverence, our spirit, then we should not shun them, but be present with them. These initiations are opportunities to rise to the occasion to change ourselves and our world for the better, so how can they be cruel? In this view, "difficult" events are bounties from the universe, gifts from our Spirit selves to help us embody higher learning capacities. We can be warriors, choosing to extract power from our struggles, or we can remain children, afraid, shy and powerless in the face of discomfort and the unknown. While the ascension path may be bumpy, and at times you may feel alone, know you are partaking in a great story. The story of humanity, in which you are not alone. Chin up!

Love,
Croaker.